Zip it!

Yesterday, I was musing over secrets and my tendency to keep my mouth shut.  Today, I found myself having one of the worst cases of Thought vs Word Disparity I’ve had in a long time.  You know how it goes — saying what you’re really thinking would get you fired, divorced, hated, slapped, shunned, with a few other possibilities thrown in.

So…

“Oh my GOD, please shut the fuck up, put your big girl panties on, and do your fucking job.  Stop whining about stuff we can’t change, stop making mountains out of molehills, and actually get something accomplished.  Maybe if you got your ass off the gossip/celebrity sites on the Internet, you would find the time to get some of your work done and you wouldn’t be so ‘overwhelmed’ with work.”

got translated into:

“Hey, I know you were really frustrated with the latest project that got dumped on us.  It’s actually not nearly as complicated as it seems to be at first glance.  Let me show you how I approached it and maybe it’ll help ease things for you.”

****************************************************************

And…

“If you grow a pair of testicles and actually attempt to stand up for your team, maybe that team wouldn’t resent the very fact that you breathe the same oxygen as they do.  Instead, you act like a narc, a rat with nothing better to do than purse your fish-lips and pretend to be involved with the actual work that’s going on all around you, all the while just looking for stupid ways to be authoritative.”

was translated into…

“I know it’s really tough to feel uninvolved with our team’s processes and timelines.  If there’s any way I can help with that, just let me know.”

****************************************************************

And obviously, this…

“Your kid is an arrogant, narcissistic, irresponsible, immature asshole who thinks it’s acceptable to disrespect adults and treat people like shit for no reason other than his own misplaced superiority complex.  If you’d act like a parent instead of someone who worships the ground he walks on as your only son, maybe he wouldn’t be such an abysmal specimen of humanity.  And as for his prowess on the pitch, your mention of scouts made me choke on my tea.  The scouts will see a player who waits for the ball to be delivered to him on a silver platter, loses it constantly with fancy footwork that is poorly executed, acts like a prima donna when he does score, and who already has several yellow cards this season for dirty fouls and mouthing off to the ref.  He’s an asshole.  And you raised him that way.  Congratulations.”

was much better received when it came out like this…

“He’s such a spirited young man!  I know how proud you must be of him.  And yes, I know the scouts generally want videos, but if you’d like some stills, I’d be happy to provide those.”

****************************************************************

I could go on, but you get the drift.  I used to say that as a Special Education teacher that a huge part of my job was to translate material into basic, simple words that kids with learning disabilities could understand.  Some days, I’m really quite grateful for my talents as a translator.  It keeps me out of a lot of trouble!