I need to preface this post by making one point very, very clear: this post is not about the Scientist. I realize that, at first, it may seem to be, but it isn’t. Please understand that I am strictly speaking in conceptual terms here, and that my feelings would not have changed whether the Scientist was the victim in question or not. It’s just his unfortunate fate that he is.
So here goes:
I do not like marriage. Yes, that is what I said. I do not like marriage. I suck at it, and it is just not something that I see changing. Now, I realize that many of my peers perceive marriage as the ultimate in security, the pinnacle of emotional success, and the goal of any sane adult. For me, it’s a leash. You can have a puppy on a nice long Flexi Lead, and she will prance along, happy as can be. The sun is shining, there are great smells in the air, and all is well. Curiosity will inevitably come calling, and the puppy bounds off on a new adventure, and *WHAM* the leash reaches its maximum yield, and she is yanked back on her butt, wondering what the hell just happened. And yes, I realize that for a puppy, leashes are a safety measure…spare me. One, I do not need someone looking out for my safety, and two, it’s an analogy, people!
In a marriage, there is almost no decision you can make without it affecting someone else. This, of course, increases exponentially when kids are brought into the equation. Case in point: I recently planned a surprise party for a teammate at work. Instead of just picking a date with the other person who was helping me, we both had to make sure that it wouldn’t have any sort of adverse effect on our respective spouses or kids. Again, please remember that this has nothing to do with the Scientist. He is by no means a jerk about me doing my own thing, or about scheduling issues. This is about always having to figure out everyone else’s needs first. It’s the Butterfly Effect in my every day life.
I’ve been job hunting for a few years now; no secret there. But I am severely limited in my options, not just because of my profession, but because I can’t move. I’m tied here (as is he – this definitely goes both ways!) Vacations, whether major expeditions or quick getaways are really the same. I have to take someone else into consideration every single time, whether he is coming with me or not. And sometimes, I feel like I really don’t have the option of going by myself. If it’s an interesting or new destination, there’s the unspoken (or sometimes it is spoken!), “You’re not seeing/experiencing that without me!”
I can see my readers now, shaking their heads and thinking, “Holy hell. I had no idea that Kel was such a selfish bitch! I feel so bad for the Scientist!” And you’d be right. I feel bad for him, too. This has been such a gut-wrenching thing for me to even contemplate, much less admit to myself, and then the world. I look around me at people whose biggest goal in life was to find a partner, and I’m envious of them. This one, for some inexplicable reason, wants to keep on not just holding the other end of my leash, but wearing the one that’s looped around my wrist. I simply cannot fathom why.
I truly wish I understood why I feel this way. Why did I get left off the list when starry-eyed romance was handed out? How come I got shortchanged in the desire to find “true love” and live “happily ever after”? My therapist is an amazing woman, but how would I even phrase that? “Hey, V, can you help me be normal like other women, such that I love being stuck in the marriage cage?” Hmm. Might need to revise my phrasing…
My solitary nature has gotten me into trouble over the years of being married. It occasionally makes me uncommunicative, not by deliberate omission, but simply by a lack of realization. It just doesn’t occur to me to tell him, and this pisses him off. I’m definitely working on it, but my deficit is still pretty glaringly obvious. I have to make a conscious effort to let him in on my emotional state, or when I’m dealing with things, but I am trying. However, I have said in therapy on numerous occasions that, without wanting to sound “emo” or anything, I truly do not believe that I am cut out for this kind of relationship. I don’t think I’m good for the Scientist, or anyone else in that capacity, and that kinda hurts.
As usual, the future is a secretive bitch. But we’ll see what comes, and see if maybe I can fix yet another thing about my soul that I don’t like.