Integrations

Sometimes it’s surprising to me how much I relate to the music I hear.  Now, I have absolutely no musical talent.  I have tried in a few different places on my timeline to learn various instruments, and I am a miserable failure.  To me, this isn’t a character flaw or anything; we all have our talents, and music simply isn’t one of mine.  However, it does render me almost stupidly fascinated to watch the Musician, for example.  One afternoon, we walked into a music store, and in the midst of a conversation, he chose and plucked exactly the right guitar off the wall and sat down to play it.  Then he went to a keyboard and started with the song that really represents our friendship to both of us, a song that is so special to me.  Watching him play it for me moved me nearly to tears at his talent, his innate ability to translate what he hears into his own music.  Another man was there too, messing with a different keyboard, and he started playing some random song.  The Musician listened for a sec, and then followed him right along, and they played this amazing harmony.  I was stunned.  It was a profound experience for me, and I really feel that way when I’m at almost any musical performance.

We saw Girlyman the other night for the 3rd time.  It was fun as always, hilarious at times.  Ty played a new song that she wrote (called The One You Want) and while I cannot recount every lyric, I can tell you that I nearly cried as I listened.  She wrote it because there are times when she thinks of herself as a pretty good person, someone who’s good to be in a relationship with, and “well, then there are times [I] write songs like this.”  Her words spoke of someone who wants to love, and wants to be loved, and wants “to be the one you want.”  I think that’s my greatest fear, really, when it comes to relationships.  I’m just not sure that I have what it takes…I’m just too much of a loner, spend too much time in my own head, and prefer to keep my own counsel.  I can love, and I do.  I love deeply.  But trusting is a whole ‘nother ball of wax, and as the days go by, I sometimes feel that while I make a fantastic friend, and a pretty good lover as well, that maybe I’m just not cut out to be a “life partner.”   I heard Ty’s song, “Genevieve” for the first time on Sunday (how in the hell did I miss this one?) and all I could think was, “Wow.  What peace and joy it must bring to feel like that!” but it was quickly followed by, “I’m not sure I’m capable of that.”

I use music to bring myself out of moods a lot, or to indulge a mood as well.  If I’m melancholy, and I’m allowing it to bloom, I’ll choose songs that I know will induce the cathartic tears.  If I’m pissed, I go for ones that bring up energy, even without rage.  (Most music doesn’t piss me off.)  I have a whole island playlist for when I’m struggling with missing my home; it always gets me out of that funk and into smiling memories of the sun, the sand, the water, the palms.  However, as I write this, it occurs to me that my playlists are really old and outdated.  I need to haul my Zune into the media computer later and build some new ones.

For now, I’m just winging through my stuff, hitting whatever song happens to strike me.  Pretty telling about my mood for now, I guess.  (Along with having a really bad AD/HD day!)